Nothing By Chance Blog

You have the Right to a Successful Relationship!

Relationships are at the heart of everything we do. You are in a relationship with every person you know or interact with – some of them more appropriately superficial than others. For instance, you’re a mother or father, brother or sister, daughter or son, friend, lover, worker, employee, confidant, acquaintance or stranger. Relationships play a big role in defining our social strata. One of the most important relationships – and arguably the most difficult at times – is that of husband or wife.

The special, personal, intimate relationship we fill through marriage or long-term commitment is for some, and can be for others, the most rewarding, most loving and most satisfying relationship we ever have. If you or your partner aren’t finding everything you want in your relationship, read on.

What does it take to find fulfillment in this relationship? You have to want to be in a relationship with this other person and you have to be committed to it. But beyond that, what can you do to find real pleasure? Couples that have it “going on” have four things other couples don’t have: 1) They know how to love their spouse, 2) They know punishing doesn’t work, 3) They engage in real, meaningful conversations, and 4) They resolve problems positively. Let’s briefly look at each of these.

Do you know your spouse’s “love language”? By love language, I’m referring to the “way you speak to your spouse” to make them feel loved. In his classic relationship book “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapman wrote about how to first know how you want to be loved and second, how your spouse wants to be loved.

For example, if my love language is touch and my spouse’s is words of appreciation, we might have a problem. I hold her hand, rub her shoulders, cuddle on the sofa, etc. and think I’m showing her love because it’s what I would want (my love language). In fact, she thinks this is nice, but I’m not “making deposits in her bank account” because what she truly wants are words of appreciation. By understanding how your spouse needs to be loved, you can show love in the way that he or she will most appreciate it.

The husband of a couple I worked with once told me, “When I do something she doesn’t like she’ll punish me by withholding sex or giving me the silent treatment.” He thought she was treating him like a child. Interestingly, she wasn’t happy with this approach either, but she didn’t know how else to show her anger. Punishing doesn’t work. It doesn’t move us closer to resolution, it doesn’t build feelings of love or trust, it doesn’t address any problems or real issues. In fact, punishing doesn’t even make the person doing the punishing feel better!

Punishing takes many forms: keeping thoughts or feelings to yourself; the silent treatment; withholding intimacy, sex or money; spending time apart (if as punishment); setting the other up for failure; and many others. Punishment does not resolve the problem or create a positive outcome. Sometimes people model behaviors they’ve learned from their parents. Sometimes they do what has been done to them. If you or your spouse is a punisher, seek help now or your marriage will continue to suffer. (If punishment in your relationship is physical, seek help immediately.)

Do you remember when you were first dating? Did you spend time talking, listening, enjoying each others’ stories? Was your spouse so interesting back then, yet now they’re so boring? “ We’ve been married 10 years, what is there to talk about?” is something I’ve heard before. The fact is, couples who make a point of engaging in authentic, meaningful conversations are closer, enjoy each other more, and report being happier in their marriage. Learn how to engage in meaningful conversations by learning to listen, talk and share of yourself – your marriage will improve dramatically.

Differences of opinion come up with couples every day. (Do opposites really attract?) How do you and your spouse resolve problems? Some couples resolve problems through time and distance (“I’m going to my mothers’ and I’m not coming back until next week!”) while others argue until one cracks and admits they were wrong. Neither of these works very well. Often the “time and distance” resolution only means problems are stepped over or around and are never addressed.

When you argue, there’s an eventual winner and loser. That means you’re either a loser or you live with a loser. Either way, it doesn’t create long-term positivity in your relationship. Finding positive ways to resolve conflict and have difficult conversations creates calmness and respect in troubling times – which leads to quicker resolution, more harmony and a better relationship.

At Nothing By Chance we want you to have more positive, more enduring, more meaningful relationships. We want you to take more joy and pleasure from your marriage. We want you to be role models for your friends and your children. We want you to be “that” couple!

{{Now add something about a couples workshop that we’re offering and make a call to action for sign ups or email for more info, etc.}}

  1. Amanda K. Flynn
    Amanda K. Flynn01-30-2013

    In this lens, I am sharing a VERY important relationship advice for women to solve any relationship problems. This advice DOES work in any condition, and the best thing is, it DOESN’T cost anything. Do you have relationship problems? Have you tried a lot of ways to maintain or get back your relationship, but none of them are working? Have you tried to treat your spouse well, but he doesn’t appreciate it at all? Are you worrying day and night desperately, hoping that every problems lie in you and him will be solved? There are thousands of articles out there in the world teaching you on how to solve your relationship problem. All of them work – but only if you understand one thing. After I understand this, my husband treats me very good, as I am his everything, which is far better than I expected! So, I’m sharing this relationship advice for women, hoping that this will helps any women who are stuck in the relationship problems.

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