Nothing By Chance Blog

Living My Freakness

Do you have any idea what it’s like living in my head?  Fortunately, the answer is probably “NO.”  Unfortunately, I have spent most of my life trying to get out of it.

  • I think too much, way too much.
  • I have tried every “escape” there is, and nothing has given me the numbed relief I hoped for.
  • I have tried therapy, prescription medications, illegal drugs, alcohol, high-risk behaviors, lying, cheating, and sex (ok, this one was effective, at least for a few minutes) and nothing has worked.
  • I was constantly hiding behind the mask of “normal” or what I thought was normal.

i'm a certified freakI believed people wouldn’t like me if I allowed myself to be who I really am (a freak).   I was afraid to upset anyone or cause conflict in any way because I didn’t want to be rejected.   I was even afraid to be upset because, in my mind, everyone expected me to be happy.

I have spent most of my waking moments trying to figure out how to slow down the constant noise swirling around in my head.  Some of you may be able to relate with what I am talking about and some of you are fortunate enough to comprehend the world as it really is.  I use to envy you folks that comprehend the world as it really is.  The way you voice your opinions, use good judgment, and don’t worry about things that you don’t have control over.  You all seem to have this natural ability to believe that you are good enough, just the way you are.
The hope or desire that kept me searching for my slice of nirvana was the fact that I know I am a good person. I am good enough, just the way I am, even if I am somewhat of a freak.  I always thought that if I just looked hard enough or did the right things, others would be happy with me and then, I would be happy with me.

And…for some reason, in a crazy, out-there freakish moment, it happened.  I realized that in all my efforts to escape from who I am,  I was really just looking to be found!  I have always looked for acceptance in this world from others, not from inside of me!  I had no idea that the person I am (a freak) was this amazingly unique creature because of my freakness.

Now that I have accepted that it’s ok to be me.  I have realized that it’s ok to be a freak. I ride bikes in Walmart, dance in fountains, wear Hawaiian shirts to business meetings, and tell people to kiss my ass if I am mad at them.

I’m learning I have to live my life as me, for me – the good, the bad, and the honest!